So, it may have come to your attention, if you’re one of my friends on Facebook, that I appeared to be having a bad day, recently… Truth be told, I just felt overwhelmed, plus I may have forgotten to take my anti-depressants for a few days, on top of the severe lack of sleep due to my writing schedule, and my baby; it all snowballed. I think a lot of it stemmed from my fear of disappointing the people I care about.
I usually live by the motto “Bite off way more than you can chew- then chew like Hell!” and normally, that flies, and I enjoy the rush and the constant action. But from the dark places inside my head, I’ve started asking myself questions…
What if I can’t keep up this momentum? Will my friends think less of me? Will I disappear off the radar, and all my efforts will have been for naught?
What if I struggle balancing Blood Song Books with my personal writing endeavours and motherhood? What if the anthologies are delayed? Will my authors think poorly of me? Will I be deemed unprofessional and pointless by my peers?
For me, my small press means an immense deal to me, but it is a part-time business; just one facet of the many artistic endeavours I busy myself with. Yet, I find myself constantly comparing myself to publishers who are full-time, or have more hands on deck, or a bigger resource pool and income.
Oh, did I mention I run my own design business too? Broken Dream Designs for book covers and other graphic art… *deep breath*
I just feel like I’ve got more balls in the air than I can keep my eyes on… And I can’t slow down, take a break, or back off, because the commitments have already been made. thus returning me to my original conundrum of just having to ‘chew like Hell’!
I’d love nothing more than to sit back and say this is all smooth sailing, that I’ve got it all completely under control; but I’m struggling, just like everyone else. I’m just trying to tie loose ends when they arise, and find sugar packets when things get wobbly… Maybe the problem is, I’m not a professional? I’m not some wonderfully aloof and distant figure of know-it-all authority. I’m just me.
I’m tired, I’m vulnerable and literally survive on caffeine… but I love what I do, intensely. My writing and related activities are my everything. So I suppose, at the end of the day, all I can do is continue to try. And I’ll have to hope that if I slip, or fall, that you’ll all forgive me for my mistakes, and encourage me to get back up and ‘keep on, keeping on’!
If you want to judge me, and think ill of me, I can’t stop you. But just remember, I’m only human, too. There’s a delicate, fractured creature on the other side of your screen, and even though she is excitable and fun, a little bit crazy and talks a big game, she’s really just an artist who desperately wants to make a difference and fulfill her dreams, and encourage others to do the same…
May you feast upon the flesh of your enemies!